I woke up early so I could go watch the Disney Princess Half Marathon. I'm hoping that inspires me enough so that when I attempt (re-attempt) my 14 miles this afternoon I can actually make it. But I'm still sitting here at the computer and I recognize that despite all my justifications (I just woke up, I need some wake-up time at the computer) the bottom line is that I haven't gotten out the door because I'm nervous.
What if I fail again?
What if this week turns out like last week. I've told everyone I'm going to do 14, just like I did last week. But last week I let myself stop early. Oh, I had magnificently valid reasons. They felt really true at the time and some still do. Not running through a relatively unpopulated area after dark (which was the ultimate realization that made me stop) still makes logical sense to me, but it still means I didn't get the 14 in. What if there's some equally valid reason that I fail again today?
Why do I call it failure when it was a decision made with my safety and discretion in mind? It was the smart decision and I still believe that. But the bottom line is I was going to do my 14 and I didn't do it. For whatever reason. It didn't happen. I failed.
I hate failure.
I used to go through life with the idea that every day was another day to screw things up royally, so don't. Let me be the first to tell you that's not an easy or comfortable way to look at life. To be quite frank it's very stressful. But it is the outlook that allowed me to succeed at whatever I turned my hand to. Not screwing it up royally usually means getting it right, getting it right the first time, and making sure that my results were so far away from failure that no one could mistake the two.
Life is pass/fail and if I don't allow myself to fail at anything then I pass.
But I let myself fail last weekend. Sure, I did okay... got in almost 11 miles but there's a little, insistent voice in my head that keeps saying, "Big deal! You got in more miles the week before, you lazy, slackard, failure. You're supposed to be moving forward here, not moving backwards. You got in less miles than the week before so you failed."
Honestly, I hope most of you don't have that particular little voice in your head because he's a cheeky little pain in the butt. But, it's not a voice I'm ready to get rid of because for me it's one of the voices of motivation. And what he's saying is true.... I did fail because I didn't meet my goal.
But maybe it's not the end of the world. Maybe, just maybe, I can look at it as a setback instead of failure. If I can make it a temporary thing and overcome it and actually do the 14 today then I won't have failed. At least not permanently. If I don't let that go on my "permanent record" -- if I make sure that the failure to miss the mark is followed by a strong-willed retry that actually hits the bullseye this time -- then maybe, just maybe, it's not exactly failure but a setback.
A setback is something I can live with.
According to ThinkExist.com, Edison said the following about success and failure:
“I haven't failed, I've found 10,000 ways that don't work”
“I never failed once. It just happened to be a 2000-step process.”
“Nearly every man who develops an idea works it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then he gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged.”
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
“I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.”
“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.”
And with those reminders, I'm sitting here this morning trying to convince myself that I'm only a failure if I quit trying. As long as I keep at it, sooner or later my hard work, determination and sheer force of indomitable will should make me hit that 14, if not today then the next time.
But it's gonna be today! It has to be today, damn it!
I have to look at it that way. I cannot give myself an excuse before I even start the run. I will not fail today. Of course, if I do, I'll be giving myself a similar pep talk next week when I decide to pick myself up and try again. But that's after having had to admit to everyone that I once again failed.
Which is embarrassing to have to do. It'd be a lot easier if I just wouldn't tell folks what I'm attempting. But the knowledge that I'd have to go back and tell them that I didn't make the mark sometimes helps me keep going where I might quit because admitting failure is something I don't take lightly. And despite looking at last week as a setback, it only becomes a setback if I actually succeed at some point after that. Until I do, it's a failure. And failure doesn't fit into my view of myself.
So today I try again. Today I put my will and determination against the pain, time, fatigue and all the other factors that must be conquered for success to be achieved. Today I once again attempt to hit the well-defined bullseye of 14 miles. Either I'll make it or I won't. It's simple. It's imminently measurable. There is no bell curve here -- it's pass/fail.
And I'm nervous.
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